I still almost can’t talk about it. Two years later, and it seems impossible.
My baby boy will turn two today and in his life and mine, a miracle was done. On the day my son was born my doctor uttered the words, “I just can’t explain it.” To which my husband replied, “We can. Jesus healed her.”
Can we explain it? Can I explain it? My faith was so small the day my son was born. The growing tumor that made itself at home next to my growing boy was a constant reminder to me throughout my pregnancy of how I really didn’t expect God to heal me. To hear the words, “It’s just gone. No sign there was ever anything there,” was not something I thought I would ever happen.
In all my prayers during my pregnancy what was in the back of my mind was God doesn’t answer my prayers.
As a little girl who would cry in her bedroom begging God to make her parents stop fighting…He didn’t answer.
As a teenager who wanted her dad to tell her, “I’m proud of you,”…He didn’t answer.
As a young adult who so desperately wanted to get out of the sin trap she was stuck in…He didn’t answer.
So now that I again was facing something that seemed so insurmountable, I knew He wouldn't answer. He wouldn’t hear me in my desperation.
Two years ago, He did choose to answer my prayer and the prayers of a lot of people who care for me. Why that prayer, and why not others? I can’t say.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8
I can say my faith was small that day, and yet there was a peace throughout I couldn’t explain. My confidence was shaken as to whether or not He would answer my prayer, but there was one thing I knew for certain.
He would sustain me. He always had even when I couldn’t see it. God may not have answered some of my most desperate prayers throughout my life, but he sustained me through all the circumstances I faced. He gave me grace in my moments of desperation. He breathed life into me when I felt dead inside. He revived me.
Maybe I didn’t get the answers I wanted to some of my prayers…or maybe I did. Sometimes the answer is in the silence. It’s knowing there is Someone holding you as life spins in chaos.
Dear one, He might not answer your toughest prayers right now, and I can’t tell you why. I can tell you this though - He will give you what you need. Never stop going to Him with the desires of your heart even when it’s hard. The gift He gives may not be the answered prayer. The gift might be holding you through the pain and the circumstance, the safety of knowing He holds tight onto you when you may struggle to hold onto Him.
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 52:22